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", 400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City. Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem. His wife was standing nearby watching him. "Theyre all at the funeral. Nep-tunes. What happened when the computer fell on the floor? No cellphone", says the second crow. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. 37. 203. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? 99. Mother's Day. Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? I sold my vacuum the other day. 74. ", This is a really bad adaptation of the proper joke, which stars a moth. A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. 278. The discovered mummy, on display at the party hall, suddenly woke up. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. A meltdown. A happy uncle. Theres a cure for that, though - a long joke! A week later, one of these redneck farmers says . 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As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt. How did the blonde die ice fishing? They cantaloupe. The snail says, What was that all about?, One day Max went to see Carl. The officer looked in the back of the mans truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?The man replied, These are my penguins. What do you call a pile of cats? How do trees access the internet? You spend so much time on the course. 39. Haloumi! she screams, "I didn't know you were married before! Itll be okay, son. 219. A stick. ", Once, a mosquito walked into a clinic. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. 222. They're a boar. A frog, because it croaks every night. 90. Then logically speaking you have a house. It was looking for a byte to eat. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. Pigs shouldn't drive. A parrot. 34. 150. Put it on my bill.. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. It starts to lick himself. they are always good for a laugh! ", I was in the library once when a man walked in asking for some ham and cheese. What do you call a hippies wife? What did Dory order from McDonalds? The globus. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? In fact, once you get started either telling or listening to corny jokes and pun-filled riddles, it's nearly impossible to stop. The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, What was in that bottle? The other person replies, Its hare spray.. It is two tired. You spend so much time on the course. Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts"Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt? I dont know, and I dont care. Thunderwear. All it was doing was collecting dust. What kind of ghost has the best hearing? He couldnt see himself doing it. What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Its part of my religion and Im on edge., The redneck cop writes the Muslim man a ticket and looks down at him, then says: One, yer religion dont let you slide past all our laws, an two, it aint called fastin, stupid. "Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason. What kind of fish loves going to battle? Where do happy lightning bolts live? Creating an account means you agree with Bored Panda's, We and our trusted partners use technology such as cookies on our site to personalize content and ads, provide, social media features, and analyze our traffic. 181. Who eats snails? The library, because it has so many stories. Dj brew. I would have thought that it was very weird had I not realized that it was the singer Adele. "Beat it. A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. An Envelope. They planet. ", Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. Feeling insulted, the police officer still asked politely who he was looking for. Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? 115. The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". "I work for the Four Seasons hotel! 83. His father comforts him by saying: Now, now. Its your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about its been collecting dirt on you for years. "Me: "Ship her home. How does a penguin build his house? Why did the ghost go to rehab? I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. What do you call malware on a Kindle? Theyre buoy-ant. Right where you left him. A cornfield. The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'You are history'?" What part of the car is the laziest? What lights up a soccer stadium? He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "scotch. What do you call a bee that cant make up its mind? So, if you don't like jokes, skip jokes and view photos only. Talk is cheap? Is there anybody up there?" We find we learn so much about each other. Creative Dreadlock Business Names. A Husband and Wife at Custody court. ", I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. "Yeah, sorry. The punchline is "I only came in because the light was on. A gummy bear. Why do hurricanes wear a monocle to see? During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento". Theyre both purple except for the rabbit. Why couldnt the pony sing? Just lock him up in a gulag somewhere & accidentally on purpose lose the key to his holding cell. "I work for 7 Up! Redneck cousin comes into the kitchen and Dad once again asks what is desired for breakfast. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front. The bartender says, We dont serve your type.. What do skateboarders do when theyre really talented? What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Wheeeee! A Dell! It was pointless. Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? ( Golf Workout Program) 7) "Housework won't kill you. A clock roach. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. 105. What kind of music do planets like? So, what should you expect from these story jokes, you might ask? Tied his hair to the chair and told him to get up. 142. A garbage truck. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. 218. Because they were pop-ular. A trebled man. Just take your pick! They are worth a good eye roll from them! Why dont blind people skydive? 113. 44. My thermometer just broke.". 25 You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. It's my way or the Huawei. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? She gets out and says "I want you two to make mad passionate love to me in the barn. ", A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. (2022), Mason Jar May Day Basket | FREE Printable Tags, 500+ Hilarious Jokes for Kids {Kid Approved} . And the genie sends him back home.Im lonely, says the third friend. Whats an avocados favorite kind of music? 271. I don't file my nails. If the answer is positive, scroll down below to check them all out! Watching a fish bowl. "The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face. Blew. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. Why did the tomato blush? 40 New Year's Jokes That Will Have You Laughing into 2023. Why did the photograph go to jail? Looks authentic, doesn't it. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. What did the traffic light say to the traffic light? How did the hipster burn his mouth? The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. 81. Well my wifes so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we dont even have a TV. Why do you go to bed at night? ", A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. 51. 264. Sarah Lemire is a lifestyle reporter at TODAY.com with more than a decade of experience writing across an array of channels including home, health, holidays, personal finance, shopping, food, fashion, travel and weddings. Hey yall Watch this! Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight! And then what happened? the officer interrupted. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. Did you hear about the emotional wedding? The space bar. Poke him on. I got rid of my vacuum. 49. What did one pen say to the other? How do you know when the moon has had enough to eat? What do cows most like to read? 100. Thanks Ill never part with it! 171. My cat on my lap says she doesn't understand the joke and she would beat me in chess. Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? It's got a rattle. "Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. 140. He pasta-way. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Why did the drum take a nap? 120. And today Im taking them to the beach. ", Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him, "What's wrong? A cool joke about geography? Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper? 48. ", asks another waiter. 216. Because it has a million degrees! Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that everyone was using. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. A thief stuck a pistol in the man's ribs and said: "Give me your money.". How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit? Hour you doing? We love funny jokes for kids! 79. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year.". What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Swimming trunks. We finally asked the son where his father was. The past, present and future . The Dread Shed. Sometimes I wonder why but kids love knock-knock jokes. Why haven't you spoken before? Let us know what you think! As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." Now whats your final question?. 243. What do horses say when they fall? You will have to leave two behind.. Your email address will not be published. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. What cookie flavor do monkeys love? 296. Theres no b in rose!Carl replied, There was in this one!. 186. A faux pa. Why did the belt go to jail? Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.. You're the father of triplets! They always get a flush 23. Upon rubbing the lamp, a Genie appeared and asked him what his wish was. 43. Let's be honest - dirty jokes can be a hit or a miss. 133. What breaks when you speak? Secondhand stores. Cattle-logs. ""For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.""Ex-wife!" A dragon sees two knights and sighs. Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! It let out a little wine. I always pronounce one word wrong. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife. Once. "Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir? A: Control Freak. You're the father of twins. He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay? Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. He also gets whacked and sent back to his room, crying. The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive". As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? Moo-Years Day! 179. He wanted them to paint his porch. While they were playing in their fort, one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousins finger. 125. I would love to keep you fully stocked with creative ideas, yummy recipes, fun crafts, and loads of free printables. The letter V! Why shouldnt you write with a broken pencil? 220. "I work for the 3M company! Whats the best way to woo a math teacher? "Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. 183. We love laffy taffy jokes! "The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. We're closed!" Guess customers will have to go the DIY way. ", A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.I charge $50 for three questions, the lawyer says.Thats awfully steep, isnt it?, the guy asks.Yes, I suppose so, the lawyer replies. They make up everything. Because he was outstanding in his field. In the dictionary. 185. 62. 263. Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, "I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me. A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. What do you call someone who doesnt like carbs? 77. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher. 287. 93. 103. 277. If you need a hilarious joke about animals - there are at least a couple of those in here. How would you rate the quality of the article? But you need to wear these condoms to stop me from getting pregnant.". ""How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person? ""That's odd," answers the man. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. What type of flower should you not give on Valentines Day? A dumb blonde joke? 88. "I work for the Minnesota Twins! A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. A gummy bear. It was below sea level. ""Why the long face? A meow-tain. He gets out of the car and walks over to the rabbit. What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? A woman walked up to a little old redneck rocking in a chair on his porch. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Why do bees have sticky hair? "What's wrong? Put a little boogie in it. Book-worms! What did the lawyer wear to court? says the wife. What's a lesbian's love language? A palm tree. Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? The Best Funny Dreadlock Jokes | Funniest Jokes Topics Dad Jokes Dark Humour Memes Top Jokes Make your own meme Topics Dreadlock Jokes Related Posts Grape Jokes Family Jokes Taco Jokes Leave a Reply You must be logged in to post a comment. 20 How do rednecks spend the first week of the school year? Their bats flew away. After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him! 244. 134. A redneck husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife mother of six rather than by her first name.The wife, amused at first, chuckles. What does corn say when you give it a compliment? ", 400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City. What runs around a yard without actually moving? When its full. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges. 207. He has actually become quite famous and when a TV crew interviewed about the reason behind this ability, the skeleton finally disclosed his secret: he could feel the bad vibes in his bones. Yet, sometimes, the need arises for something longer, more along the lines of a funny story. Excited, Jim goes back to Bob and says: I will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic., Logic? Bob said, What the heck is that?. The past, present and future walked into a bar. You go on ahead. "The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now.". Best One-Liner Dad Jokes "I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now." "A guy walks into a bar.and he was disqualified from the limbo contest." "You think swimming with sharks is expensive? An hour passed, two hours passed. "The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water? 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Its $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.. Hey, bud! Which holiday do cows enjoy most? Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? Learn More. 213. Shutterstock Lawsuits! 280. I'll never forget my dad's face when I gave him his 50th birthday card, tears in his eyes, as he said to me, 'One . Give me a ring. "God said, "Sure, just a second. The other replies: chickens, why?if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',624,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0'); The first says: If I guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one?, The redneck holding the bag of chickens says: If you guess how many chickens are in this bag Ill give you both of them!, Redneck couple get married. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? 269. 102. Send Good Vibes. Dad jokes are both beloved and despisedlike corny puns, they're funny because they're so not funny. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Why cant Chuck Norris use the internet? With a mon-key. The perfect tummy control bodysuit, a popcorn gadget, more bestsellers starting at $8. What is an insects favorite sport? 184. said the barber. I want some motherf***ing pancakes!, the second boy said. It was tense. Why did the alien go to the doctor?